weekend in the blue...

SO starts the weekend in my little hole in the ground... the (almost) husband is away for work so my anxiety levels are thru the roof... mysteriously 2 packets of biscuits have disappeared outta my pantry and I'm fairly certain I didn't eat them all... at least i hope i didnt...

what am i supposed to do all weekend... i have no car, 2 preschoolers and a preggo teen to share the house with,... i have a tonne of laundry due to discovering rats in my hot water cupboard... i mean seriously!!!! they pooped on EVERY spare blanket and quilt and duvet I own >.< then they ate most of the stuff in my survival E kit,.... thats like $400 i now need to spend to replace the damn thing!!!!! who the hell eats soap and plastic bags and emergency essentials... i HATE rats.... nasty little creatures...

take me as you find me,,,

Le sigh, since when did Emo take over my little corner of the world... I should be elated right now... ecstatic even, instead i feel half  dead and three quarters empty... and not the 'good' kind of empty...

i try not to blog on my Emo days because i believe no one should have to read about my bullshit waah sessions but I need to clear the fog just a little... I desperately want to feel happy again... but i feel like theres something gripping my already crushed heart in its manky festering clutches ready to rip it still feebly beating from my heaving chest...

Why wont the cankerous Abyss just swallow me up already....

Free to good home,

2 children.

both have selective hearing this means they wont listen when told to do something but if you happen to mention the word, lolly, or any of its corresponding counterparts such as treat, ice cream or new toy they hear fine... they both get into everything your don't want them to touch and will happily spill a whole bottle of milk on your floor then play in it. the oldest on throws food and then blames it on the youngest and also starts all the fights... the boy will pee on your carpet or poop in your garden... so not quite house trained... they both have potty mouths and will swear at you and then laugh...

they wont clean up after themselves and like to backchat due to politically correct parenting bullshit i've had enough of the way they treat me... so I'm giving them away...

A weekend away...

I just had to take a break from reality... well a half break anyway, so we took the kids to the snow... something that I had never done before... we booked ourselves in to a quaint little Motel with awesome service and great facilities I recommend it to anyone who ever gets the chance to stay in Taupo, stay at the Chelmswood Motel, its on the lakefront and is truly awesome...

I really don't understand MEN, it's almost like they ENJOY pissing us off.... the worst part is the fact I'm pissed off with him for doing something right.... in 5 years this is the 1st time we have actually felt like a family, looking all cute and picture perfect... If i have to be brutally honest I was thinking of leaving before we went away, it wasn't because i don't love him and there was never another man involved in any way I just truly believed he would be better off without me.... 

If cyber looks could Kill...

Is having a really difficult time right now. I base everything in my daily life on good news in my sanity corner. I feel lost and Confused. and anxious at the lack of response from those close to me. How is it you can draw close to someone who shares your pains and is always so Loving and kind to you whilst they hurt so much too. NZ has been ripped apart by the tragedy in our beautiful Garden City. we all scramble to send off anything we can spare be it a few extra dollars out of our wallets. or donated food and basic household items. Yet my heart aches for one or two words from a survivor in a different part of the world to me. She is a tower of strength even when she feels like she is at her weakest. My day doesn't feel right without hearing from her. it's been a week since you last replied to my emails that is the longest time you have ever been away from my inbox, be it directly or indirectly through those who can access you more readily than I. did you know there are literally dozens of places i have searched for info. I don't want to feel so empty. (now i sound like a crazy psycho stalker) I promise I'm not. Just genuinely concerned for your safety. I follower, I reason to keep going. DANG IT ALL!!!


Please Loving Grand Creator Keep her safe from harm. Surround her with your love to keep her head above water. Missing you Sandi. Please find us again soon.

A week of nothingness...

Well, not much to report to my 1 and only follower who I have been diligently following and worrying about. The best part is no1 can snoop in here.

So much to say and no words to make it all ok. I would trade places anytime to make this all go away. If I had endless resources and wasn't afraid of flying I'd get on a plane  just to meet this amazing woman who has strength that I just can't comprehend. You are a fighter, and the whole GLOBE has LOVE for you. sure some of them are a little new to following you but the most part is you are being Loved, and Encouraged, and Supported in everything you do. You give courage to those who are fighting too. they want to be YOU.

HATING ON PLANTS...

itchy watery leaky eyes :( bunged up drippy nose... yip it's that time of year again HAYFEVER TIME is so damn over it, I'm sore and tired and irritable... please someone fix me!!!!

the 'M' word

well i still hate my b-day it is un needed AND A STUPID THING TO CELEBRATE... and now im getting Married... he didn't even ask properly lol, it was hand me a jewelers bag and oh yea will u marry me... not the romantic sorta proposal you share with your future grandkids etc... so i said sure why not... as if i was gonna gush and be all teary eyed to that sorta proposal... men seriously!!!

Epic Fail...

I have spent the last 2 days trying to connect my computer to the network so i can share files etc... until then i cant post my fics.... is not impressed with my lack of computer skills

Saw a horse today... creeped me out!!! why do they have to look at you like that????

Try to remember the first of Octember

Wednesday's are just plain STUPID!!! it's the day of the week where for about 5 minutes my bank account looks pretty damn good LOL... then all the bills roll in and POOF it's gone...

i have a study today that I'm trying to avoid and i don't even know why... I know i need to keep going but part of me is just so ready to give up.

4 days til my b-day... 4 days to make everyone forget LOL

The BIG V

Was having the weirdest thoughts about times of old... got to thinking how my life got incredibly complicated after doing the deed.

I'm gonna start from the beginning coz that is where it all went wrong...

I was impressionable and very meek as a teenager, life had already dealt me a lot of low blows so i was left feeling rejected and unlovable. I had very few friends but the ones i did were very close. I had a friend from about the age of 11 he was the light in my darkness we clung to each other in those times. M was very flamboyant and so gentle. so when we graduated middle school at age 12 and moved on to high school we remained close friends. spending weekends op-shopping and movie watching... of course he was the only lad to show me affection his parents assumed we dated but we never did. I was his cover up whilst he secretly lusted over other men. so at the tender age of 15 he introduced me to a friend of his that we started spending a lot of time with S was a nice lad and all with the same problems so we naturally grew to all get along. so he introduced me to a friend of his and we grew close and the day of my 16th birthday he asked me to go steady. I was elated and thought the sun shone just because he told it to. i look back now and see that i gave everything i had to Cameron and he played me for a fool. It all went wrong very quickly. I clung to my need for affection and one day S and I got to talking about sex, to me it was the ultimate act of love. but he told me the 1st time is easier if you don't know the person too well that way i would know what i was doing when C wanted sex, I should have known better... but i was easily swayed. of course that led to us being left alone one night and it just happened... it was nothing like i had hoped... it wasnt gentle or loving i felt cheap and nasty. My first reaction was to ring C but S told me it's not what you are supposed to do. he then told me the 2nd time is much better. i was so distraught that i agreed blindly and just let him do what he wanted. I did ring C and told him exactly how it went down he was amazingly calm and told me it wasnt my fault. unfortunately i wasn't aware of the insatiable beast S had unlocked within me.

Tilly Turtle Teaches Tai-Chi on Tuesday's

Well i had a crap sleep last night, my cat wanted cuddles... he's not normally very snuggly so of course i let him get what he wanted. then my daughter woke up having an asthma attack so that made for a very noisy household in the small hours... so I'm tirred and irritable... and to top it off she ended up in the medical centre with a temp of 40 C. which is incredibly high... now she is in bed watching cartoons sipping lemon and honey turns out the flu is back in town!!! i HATE the flu...

Another Manic Monday

even though over there it's still sunday LOL

got a visit from my step son this weekend, LOL, it still blows people away to hear i have a 21yo step son... Was thinking to myself about how life would be so different for me if jakeward hadn't wanted me broken pregnant immature ass all them years ago. I would probably have ended up an addict homeless and willing to do anything for my next hit. My mother would have taken my daughter off me and i possibly wouldnt have cared...

sometimes there are days where i just want to become that person to show me how much i would have missed out on...

Sunday, The day on which we rest...

As if right, resting would be too easy... I've had a lot to think about over the last few days... Like how I would love to wake up in the morning and be the Old Kree... before the pain had a chance to take hold... in 6 days i become another year older.. which is not helping my dilemma 22 and in the middle of a mid life crisis... I long for open fields and endless roads... AND HUMAN CONTACT... instead i wake up... i pretend to be ok... and then i go to bed at the end of the day counting how many times I said I Love You to my somewhat deaf man... then i have to spill stupid traitor tears because I'm not good enough to deserve him... or my 2 children... damn i hate my traitorus brain...

I'm quite happy to ramble on here because the way i see it is it's free self help LOL

after all only important people are going to read it...

Sandi you are amazing... it doesn't matter how much of a crappy day I'm having my thoughts automatically go to you and how much you are going through... I'm so happy that you and Bobby are finding some of the sparkle you had before...

I wish my stupid mouth would say I love you to the really important people in my life... instead of just to thin air

Auto Blog-ography

Where do you begin with these things???

I suppose if i started at the point in my life where i realised im not your average girl then we would be here forever

I think we should start with the basics,

I'm a small town girl with a very reclusive nature, I dislike public places, but only because I'm scared someone will notice me and I wont be a shadow against the wall anymore. I hide behind my brick wall and deep withing the recesses of my office. where I must look like the worlds most invisible person, and that is where I'm happy.


There is the small matter of MY Jakeward... its like a hot and cold tap around here... though i never know Just what I'm gonna get, his mood swings are something shocking,

the heart is a fickle organ.... but Love is what you make of it right???? the good times are fucktastically awesome and the bad moments are only that a moment....

So the new year has begun.

Well Legs 11 has finally arrived, and we have moved house so it's a fresh start all around really.


So i've never done this blog thing before but apparently it's popular to write about whatever the day seems to throw at you.

I'm not exactly grammatically correct in my ramblings and punctuation just does not seem to stick around really. so If it's unbearable feel free to throw corrective sentence structures at me,

this is also where i will shoot around a few random fic ideas should probably find out how to put the r18 filter thingy on this so i dont get a slap on the hand and banished LOL

I have to say my inspiration and my light in the dark times Sandi prompted me to ramble on into cyber space,

all in good fun of course. so join in have a laugh and make as many suggestions as you like if you wish to have a nosy at me FF http://www.fanfiction.net/~kreeontoast There you will find a 1 shot or 2 and a story i started and lost inspiration for... maybe 1 day I will find the muse i had back then.

sooooooo... I ramble forever if left to it so you may find a few things pop up every now and then ,

Next I'll post my fave 1 shot see if its allowed first of course :P